Incident Report

I’ve really been enjoying my new car, a “pearl white” Oldsmobile Alero . Let me tell you about what happened to me yesterday…

After work, I went out to my car, and when I got inside I saw a paper cup with a little tepid meltwater in it, left over from a soda I’d had with lunch. I got out to throw the cup away and walked away from the car, leaving the driver’s door open. As I got about two steps away from the trash can, I heard a door close. I turned around to see the driver’s door had closed, and the car had started up!

Right away I started thinking about stuff I had written where things like this had happened: First there were the Paulette stories, about an invisible woman who spent her time playing tricks on me. Then, there was the Hyundai-BMW story (which I still haven’t finished), about the BMW that started following me around by itself when my Hyundai was on its last legs. Lastly, there was the story where my old beat-up 82 Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera with an ’89 engine had started driving away from me by itself when I was on my way to see my ex-girlfriend to patch things up after an argument. In the story, the car had assumed her persona but without her having anything to do it. Then it hit me…

That car and my new one were both Oldsmobiles… both about the same size… and even the same color!! Couldn’t be coincidences…?

I dropped the cup and ran towards the car, yelling, “Hey, stop! That’s my car!” even though I could see there was no one in the driver’s seat… but by the time I got there the car had backed out of the space by itself and begun pulling forward. I went to pull the door open so I could jump inside, but the door was locked! So, I yelled and banged on the window, marveling that I didn’t seem to be drawing the attention of any other drivers. The window slid down, and I reached for the power lock button, which for some reason had no effect. I started trying to climb in through the window, but as soon as my feet left the ground, the car lurched off again, with my feet hanging out the driver’s window!

“Come on, stop the car,” I snapped at no one, as I managed to roll
over onto my back while the car pulled out of the parking structure, but as it sped through the red light at Grove Street it also rolled up the window on my feet, forcing me to lie there with the center console sticking into my back and feet hanging out the window. I gasped, expecting an accident as “we” approached Grove Street. I thought I could die without ever knowing what hit me… but the car sailed on through the intersection without incident. No cars were coming at that particular moment, a miracle at evening rush hour in White Plains.

Then I got even more nervous… the car would be speeding right by the entrance to the underground municipal parking structure currently being patrolled by the county police, as well as the White Plains Police Department right next to it… which could mean some unwanted company! And sure enough, sirens started up behind us just as I saw the Lexington Avenue traffic signals pass in the windshield. What was I gonna do??

I reached for the window switch so I could pull my feet inside the car, but it didn’t work any better than the door lock had earlier. I tried to sit up enough to see where I was being taken, thinking that at least maybe I could take control of the car and pull over… but it was like I was frozen into a horizontal position.

Right then a burst of speed I didn’t know the car was capable of seemed to put “us” out of range of the pursuing officers. “Hey, slow down!”I protested, worried about my month-old car getting into an accident. I couldn’t see where we were, and something was bearing down on me, preventing me from straightening myself out. After a few minutes of what seemed to me like random turns, the car finally pulled over and parked itself. Then, the unthinkable happened…

I felt a strange sensation from my feet. I looked up to see my right shoelace being loosened… but no one was there! “Hey, what’s going on?!” I yelled. “Who’s there? Leave my foot alone!” But whoever or whatever was working on my feet paid me no mind. As I watched, the right shoe pulled itself away from my foot, followed by the sock. As I yelled at the unseen person to leave my feet alone, the same process repeated itself with my left shoe and sock. I lay there and yelled myself hoarse, wondering what would happen next. And of course, I found out…

I felt something very lightly brush against the sole of my left foot, then against my right foot. I started silently cackling, my voice gone from the earlier yelling, as I realized it was two somethings I felt, one on each foot, one sweeping up while the other moved down… up and down, up and down, driving me into a frenzy. I tried to pull myself up enough to see it, but whatever it was was being carefully positioned to stay out of sight. Which was mind-boggling in itself, because I couldn’t see ANYTHING AT ALL by my feet!!

There wasn’t any visible person, animal, or even a low-hanging branch responsible for the tickling, as far as I could see. Yet something was slowly dragging up and down on the soles of my feet. Then I heard a rustling by my right ear. I turned and looked in something like shock and saw things moving around inside a plastic bag that I had put on the floor when I first unlocked the car. Then, all by itself, a box of Q-Tips I had bought at Duane Reade rose into the air. The plastic wrap tore itself open, the cardboard tray slid open, and four Q-Tips slid out. The box slid closed again, but it floated down onto the floor, next to the bag.

I watched, still twitching and cackling from the sensations coming from my feet, as two of the Q-Tips disappeared to my right while the other two circled in front of me and disappeared to my left. Immediately I felt two soft cotton tips dragging around the outside of my ears, occasionally dipping down behind my ears. Two more began doing the same to the back of my neck, just inside my shirt collar. Whoever or whatever was doing this knew what they were doing, too, because tickling just in front of my right ear just the right way, in just the right spot, triggers a momentary corresponding tickle/itch in my tongue. I didn’t think anyone could have known about that, because I don’t recall ever telling anyone…

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