Austin Powers: The Spy Who Saw Through Me (by Bob Bentley)

Austin was driving around in his Shaguar when the vid-phone sounded. It was, of course, Basil Exposition.

“Hello Basil”

“Hello Austin, I have your new assignment. You are to meet with the infamous spy, Crystal Glass.”

“Crystal Glass, the invisible spy?”

“None other,” said Basil. “We have reason to believe that she wishes to defect.”

“Hang on a tick, Basil. How am I to find this woman if she’s invisible?”

“Our sources indicate that she will contact you. In your swinging pad sometime this very evening.”

“I’m on the case Basil.” And with that Austin shifted into high gear and headed for London.

* * *

Like most nights in Austin’s pad, there was a swinging shagedelic party going on. Austin hoped it wouldn’t dissuade Crystal Glass from making an “appearance”. He was chatting up some local birds when the band started the introduction to the song “American Woman”. But Austin immediately picked up on the changed lyrics.

Invisible Woman / Stay here with me / Invisible Woman / I just can’t see. /

You’re always hanging around my door / but I can’t see your face no more /

There’s nothing I would rather do / then spend my time looking right through you

Oh Woman, don’t go away / Oh Woman, I want you to stay.

Invisible Woman / get here with me / Invisible Woman / Mama, I can’t see /

Dancing boots can hypnotize / when I can’t see your legs or thighs

Just leave on a pair of gloves / when it’s time for making love

Oh woman, I want you near / Oh woman, its all so clear.

That’s when Austin spotted something unusual in the crowd that was starting to part. All eyes were drawn to a truly unique sight. There in the center was a dancing figure. It had white vinyl thigh boots, but no legs. It had long pink gloves but no arms. It had a black leather cap and reflecto shades but no head. It had a psychedelic minidress but no body.

For an instant Austin acted like a character from Wayne’s World and thrust out his hips saying, “Sha-wing!”

The crowd applauded the dancer. Whether they thought it some laser light trick or some groovy mind expanding trip none could say. But no one seemed shocked or frightened.

The figure danced up to Austin. “Mister Powers? I’m Glass. Crystal Glass.”

“Of course you are Baby.”

“Do you like my dancing?”

“Shwing Baby, very shwing.”

“Is there someplace we could talk quietly?”

“Oh yes, Baby. Right this way.”

Austin led her to his inner pad. Like the outer room it had a waterbed, a wet bar, and a dance floor but for now there was no one but the two of them.

“I’ve decided to defect” Crystal said.

“Well, that’s all well and good, baby. But I have a more important question for you.”

“What?”

He jumped on the bed.

“Do I make you horny, baby?

“Oh” she moaned, “Do you ever.”

She began by tossing away her hat and shades. Then, she wiggled out of her psychedelic dress while swaying in time to the music coming from the other room. Beneath she had a black bra and panties.

“Better leave something on, baby.” Austin said. “I don’t want to misplace you.”

The gloves reached behind and undid the bra then tossed it aside. Then her hips swayed as the glove pushed down the panties. Then she stripped off the gloves themselves.

All that remained left was her white vinyl thigh boots that walked over to the bed.

“Oh my!” Austin exclaimed.

* * *

Austin was lying in the bed next to an empty woman-shaped sheet. He looked over at the indent in the pillow next to him.

“So, Miss Glass. Do you have a middle name?”

“Clair,” she said

“Crystal Clair Glass?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, behave.”

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